Thursday, January 29, 2009

Loomis 2012!

Today I turn 35. I am constitutionally eligible for the presidency. Thus, I am declaring my candidacy for the highest office in 2012. I have copied Sarah Palin, my political hero, and started ErikPAC. So give me money.

I have a great platform.

1. A taco stand in each neighborhood.
2. Torvald as official National Pet
3. Banning the Wave at all sporting events.
4. Forcing HBO to put Deadwood back on the air.
5. Banning reality TV.
6. Contracting the NFL to get rid of the Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders.
7. Giving Texas back to Mexico.
8. Giving Alaska back to Russia.
9. Requiring all schools to offer mandatory courses on cheese appreciation.
10. Celebrating January 29 as a national holiday.

Moreover, since January 29 has been scientifically proven (by the same scientists who gave you phrenology and eugenics) to be the most awesome day ever, we will have a January 29-centric administration.

My Vice-President? Oprah of course, who was born on this day in 1954.

Rahm Emanuel will stay on as chief of staff, being born on this day in 1959.

The music before my inauguration is going to be awesome. Everyone involved will be January 29 birthdays. On bass, we will have Eddie Jackson from Queensryche. Vocals will be Irlene Mandrell from the 70s pop-country act the Mandrell Sisters. Bill Kirchen from Commander Cody will be on guitar. Tommy Ramone will be on drums. Dick Manitoba will pop in for a couple of songs. I think you all can agree that this will be the greatest super-group of all time.

Heather Graham, born on this day in 1970, will be the new Secretary of Movies with a speciality in extreme hotness.

Tom Selleck, born on this day in 1945 will fill the new cabinet position of Secretary of Facial Hair.

Ed Burns, born on this day in 1968, will direct the inauguration festivities. I expect something akin to what Zhang Yimou did for the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics.

Vin Scully, born on this day in 1927 will be the announcer for the festivities.

In the Oval Office, I'll have paintings of such illustrious January 29 political figures as President William McKinley and former New York congressman and African-American leader Adam Clayton Powell.

There will be a performance of The Cherry Orchard at my inauguration in honor of January 29 playwright Anton Chekhov.

We will be moving the nation's capital to beautiful Topeka, as we celebrate Kansas, brought into this nation on this date in 1861.

Finally, I will be naming renaming some cabinet positions in honor of American heroes born on this great day. Thus Secretary of Defense will be the Harry "Lighthorse Lee" Secretary of Defense, named after the Revolutionary War officer born on this day in 1756. And we will now see the Albert Gallatin Secretary of the Treasury. Jefferson's and Madison's choice for the office was born on this day in 1761.

Loomis/Winfrey '12! A vote for Kansas, tacos, and Heather Graham!