Absurd Texts of American History (II)

Today, I bring you George W. Bush's 2007 State of the Union address. Some of the more laughable parts include:

First, we must balance the federal budget. We can do so without raising taxes.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Wow, that's some fiscal responsibility right there. We're America. We can have everything without any consequences at all!

And finally, to keep this economy strong we must take on the challenge of entitlements. Social Security and Medicare and Medicaid are commitments of conscience, and so it is our duty to keep them permanently sound. Yet we’re failing in that duty. And this failure will one day leave our children with three bad options: huge tax increases, huge deficits, or huge and immediate cuts in benefits. Everyone in this chamber knows this to be true, yet somehow we have not found it in ourselves to act. So let us work together and do it now. With enough good sense and good will, you and I can fix Medicare and Medicaid and save Social Security.

Except for the fact that this is completely wrong (or would be if we would roll back some tax cuts to the wealthy or perhaps not pursue ridiculous wars) this makes perfect sense!

Spreading opportunity and hope in America also requires public schools that give children the knowledge and character they need in life. Five years ago, we rose above partisan differences to pass the No Child Left Behind Act preserving local control, raising standards and holding schools accountable for results. And because we acted, students are performing better in reading and math, and minority students are closing the achievement gap....The No Child Left Behind Act has worked for America’s children, and I ask Congress to reauthorize this good law.

No Child Left A Dime is a great idea! Just ask teachers. Oh wait, better not ask the teachers since they are part of their communistic unions and will say it doesn't work. Instead, let's ask some right-wing theorists in the Department of Education. They'll tell you it works!

Extending hope and opportunity depends on a stable supply of energy that keeps America’s economy running and America’s environment clean. For too long our nation has been dependent on foreign oil. And this dependence leaves us more vulnerable to hostile regimes, and to terrorists, who could cause huge disruptions of oil shipments and raise the price of oil and do great harm to our economy.

I would really do something about this if it was an issue I gave a shit about. Is there a way Cheney's oil stocks and go even higher?

For the terrorists, life since 9/11 has never been the same.

Quite true. In fact, life has been much better for them!

Al Qaeda and its followers are Sunni extremists.

Still trying to connect Saddam Hussein to 9/11 I see.

The Shia and Sunni extremists are different faces of the same totalitarian threat. But whatever slogans they chant, when they slaughter the innocent, they have the same wicked purposes. They want to kill Americans, kill democracy in the Middle East and gain the weapons to kill on an even more horrific scale.

There's democracy in the Middle East? Oh, you mean Israel. Great.

And in 2005, the Iraqi people held three national elections: choosing a transitional government, adopting the most progressive, democratic constitution in the Arab world and then electing a government under that constitution. Despite endless threats from the killers in their midst, nearly 12 million Iraqi citizens came out to vote in a show of hope and solidarity that we should never forget.

Clearly, things are going well in Iraq!

This is not the fight we entered in Iraq, but it is the fight we are in.

Yes, the fight we entered was the one made up in the offices of the Pentagon. Who could guess that it wouldn't go according to plan? Certainly not the rest of the damn country.

We didn’t drive Al Qaeda out of their safe haven in Afghanistan only to let them set up a new safe haven in a free Iraq.

Actually, that's kind of exactly what we did.

Our country is pursuing a new strategy in Iraq, and I ask you to give it a chance to work.

Even though none of my other ideas in Iraq have worked, I ask you to give me endless opportunities to fuck up even more!

Dikembe Mutombo grew up in Africa, amid great poverty and disease. He came to Georgetown University on a scholarship to study medicine, but Coach John Thompson got a look at Dikembe and had a different idea. Dikembe became a star in the N.B.A., and a citizen of the United States. But he never forgot the land of his birth or the duty to share his blessings with others. He built a brand new hospital in his old hometown. A friend has said of this good hearted man: “Mutombo believes that God has given him this opportunity to do great things.” And we are proud to call this son of the Congo a citizen of the United States of America.

What in the hell is he talking about here?

After her daughter was born, Julie Aigner-Clark searched for ways to share her love of music and art with her child. So she borrowed some equipment, and began filming children’s videos in her basement. The Baby Einstein Company was born, and in just five years her business grew to more than $20 million in sales. In November 2001, Julie sold Baby Einstein to Walt Disney Company, and with her help Baby Einstein has grown into a $200 million business. Julie represents the great enterprising spirit of America. And she’s using her success to help others, producing child safety videos with John Walsh of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Julie says of her new project: “I believe it is the most important thing I have ever done. I believe that children have the right to live in a world that is safe.” And so tonight we are pleased to welcome this talented business entrepreneur and generous social entrepreneur: Julie Aigner-Clark.

As Project Sanguine put it, "When did the State of the Union turn into QVC?"

Good times.