Film Review: The "Teddy" Bears (1907)

The bizarre world of silent film can hardly be explained. Really you have to watch the movies. However, I'm going to give you the plot of 1907's "The 'Teddy' Bears" as an example of why more people should watch these films.

It's basically Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Except that Goldilocks has brown hair. But whatever.

The Three Bears (in Victorian clothing naturally) go for a walk.

Goldilocks walks in. She eats the porridge. But before she sleeps in Baby Bear's bed, she happens to open a door. This door reveals a weird but cool bear claymation dance scene.

OK then. And then she sleeps.

Then the bears come home. Baby Bear has been bad. So you get to watch him get spanked. Then they discover Goldilocks in their bed. She escapes through the window and the bears chase her. Rightfully so too. She stole one of Baby Bear's dolls (a teddy bear of course). And she was guilty of breaking and entering. I mean, really what did she expect.

So Goldilocks runs away. Then she runs into Theodore Roosevelt (someone playing him of course which I shouldn't have to mention but then in silent film, it's entirely possible that he would show up). TR then shoots Mama and Papa Bear down, killing them each with one shot. Then he captures Baby Bear and puts a chain around his neck. Whether he'll be sold into a circus or a zoo or what is not explained. Then Goldilocks and Roosevelt go to the Three Bears' house where she takes the rest of the bear dolls.

End of movie.