Hack of the Day

Jan Brewer.

Dear Jan,

You know know what else hurts innocent people, Jan? Laws that mandate that everybody in your state have legal papers on them or face arrest and fines. Do you really think that your law is fool-proof, and that only the "guilty" will be caught while the innocent are untouched? The whole "it's an anti-crime bill" (in addition to the patent racism involved in associating crime with Mexicans) doesn't float here. You don't get to pass a bigoted law that will undoubtedly affect innocent people in real ways and then complain that "innocents are being hurt" just because many in the rest of the country have decided to react to your foolish laws. Until you express worry about all of the innocent people currently present in your state, you don't have a pot to piss in when you complain about proposed boycotts from people in other states. Period. You enacted your "rights"; they're enacting theirs. End of story.

Trend

Things I'm Tired Of (I) - Emphasizing Survivors as Looters

Dear news media outlets,

While I understand the technicality of the legal term, could you please refrain from portraying victims of natural disasters as criminals by highlighting their "looting?" It was offensive in 2005, when African-Americans were "looting" while white people were "salvaging" in New Orleans, and it's offensive in 2010 when Chileans are "looting." What do you want? That people remain hungry and without water for an indefinite period of time until the infrastructure is developed enough for the Chilean government to give these things out? That would be fine, except that the infrastructure has just been demolished, and aid wouldn't exactly arrive quickly anywhere that just endured an 8.8 earthquake. People need supplies to survive, and the expectation that capitalism cannot be disturbed, even in the event of a massive natural and human disaster, is absolutely absurd. I would hope perhaps you media outlets could focus on more useful narratives than "let's portray the criminality of everyday individuals who are merely trying to survive," but apparently, I'd be wrong. This was a devastating event, and we're still only learning about how horrible it will be. Chile is facing a long road here; it doesn't need you portraying people trying to survive as base criminals. Please focus on other things.

Thanks.

Trend

A Quick Question

Dear C.C. Sabathia:

Where in the blue hell was this back in 2007, in either game? That's some outstanding timing you have.

Thanks for nothing, jerk.

Trend

Thank You, Tom Waits

Dear Tom,

Awhile back, I wrote you, asking for a new album. Apparently, those words were not idle, and while it's not an album of all-new material, a bonus disc composed strictly of your stage banter is more than acceptable. I can't wait to hear this.

Thanks so much. And I still can't wait to see you as the devil.

Gratefully,

Mr. Trend

PS: And you're offering the first 8 of 17 tracks for free download at your site? You truly are the coolest man alive.

Hack-tacular!

Dear Ed Rollins,

You're a grade-A hack, so I don't expect more of you. Still, if you do think the Peace Prize is cheapened with Obama's reception of it, I've got news for you. If you're looking for the moment when the Nobel Peace Prize was cheapened, it didn't happen today. It happened back in 1973, when a man who supported Pinochet (and would soon support a dictatorship that in just 6 years killed 30,000 people in Argentina) was given the award.

With historical perspective, I remain,

Mr. Trend.

To John Cornyn et al in re: Sonia Sotomayor

Dear Senate Republicans,

I understand that you have your own reasons as to why they wouldn't want your confirmation to go smoothly. However, given recent history, you really have no room to express concern over whether Sonia Sotomayor would "uphold the constitution" or not. Please just stick to your racist talking points instead.

Signed,
Mr. Trend

PS: Thank you, Tom Coburn, for sticking to the crazily-ignorant talking points, and making Cornyn look a little (but just a little) more sane.

A Rare Moment of Political Activism (Rather than Political Theorizing) from Mr. Trend

I almost never do this (and feel a bit embarrassed doing it now), but....

...in light of the release of the torture memos, Jay Bybee's central role in their awful, (il)legal logic, and his current status as a member of the Ninth Circuit of the Federal Court of Appeals, I'm asking any and all of you who are interested and have the time to write your Senators and Congresspeople and ask them for his impeachment. For those who are interested or don't have the time to include their own message, I included mine below (though I recommend changing the bit about being a Latin American historian, unless you actually are one). The more people that make their voice heard, especially on Bybee, the better the court system and the country will be for it.


Dear Senator Schumer,

I am writing to ask you to please join efforts to impeach Jay Bybee. I know that you were one of the 79 senators to approve his original nomination to the Ninth Circuit Federal Court of Appeals, and you no doubt had your reasons and your own information. However, in light of the recent declassified torture memos that President Obama released, including the 18-page memo by Mr. Bybee himself, that offered a logic for why torture that the United States conducted was legal, make clear that Mr. Bybee should in no way be responsible for major legal decisions.

I am a historian who studies Latin America, and my focus is on military dictatorships, all of which used torture themselves in the 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s. Throughout those years, numerous politicians, including President Jimmy Carter and senators like Sen. Ted Kennedy, openly declared methods like those mentioned in Mr. Bybee's memo (including "walling" and confinement in small spaces for extended periods of time) to be torture. Yet, as I'm certain you are aware, upon the U.S.'s performance of similar deeds, Mr. Bybee was at the forefront of defending these same methods that had been "torture" for other countries when it came time for the Bush administration to defend its use of the same practices.

Mr. Bybee's appointment to the Federal Court system has put American citizens like myself at the risk of having our fates decided by his legal logic, a logic that has already defended the use of torture. This kind of behavior and these legal positions cannot and should not be allowed on any court bench, much less a Federal Court bench.It is for this reason that I am asking you, as one of the two Senators from the great state of New York, to please join the efforts to impeach Mr. Bybee, so that his legal reasoning can never affect the lives of American citizens in the way it has already affected the lives of those who were tortured in Guantanamo. Thank you.

Respectfully yours,

Mr. Trend

[OK, I actually didn't sign off w/my pseudonym. But there it is.]

In Which Mr. Trend Demands More Awesome Crazy Music in His Life

Dear Tom Waits,

I know you've always enjoyed acting, and I admit, casting you as the devil is an inspiring decision. You're a strange man, and certainly you've earned the right to do whatever you want, even if it's taking a role in a movie that sounds like a spectacularly ridiculous version of The Road.

However, it's been five years since you released one of your greater and stranger albums, and three years since we got an awesomely-themed strong compilation from you. I know you sometimes take extended breaks from music, but given that you toured just last year (after giving the greatest press conference ever to announce it), I'd really, really appreciate it if you could go back into the studio sometime soon and give us more of your insane, amazing, awesome music.

You're the best.

Trend

Shorter English Parents - We Want Our Children to Be As Bigoted Towards the Physically Challenged As We Are!

Dear parents in England,

Instead of trying to pass on your own prejudices towards and fears of people with physical differences, why don't you use Ms. Burnell's television show as one more way to help your children learn that people are different, but that doesn't make some better than others. In a world where people still mock individuals with special needs to reinforce unfair stereotypes and create fear, rather than educate and unite, the BBC's hiring of Ms. Burnell is admirable.

Get over yourselves and let your children grow up to be more decent, respectful, and understanding people than you are.

Cheers,
Mr. Trend

A Belated Thank-You

Dear Anonymous NY Police Person,

I just wanted to give you a big thanks for giving me a ticket for being double parked two days before Christmas. I had rented the car, ran upstairs to my apartment, grabbed my suitcase for my 9 and a half hour drive through Jersey traffic (for the first two hours) and freezing rain (for the last two hours). You guys never check double parking on my street (including the day my visiting parents couldn't get their car out for 3 hours because they were double parked in). Yet right before the holidays, you decided to bring some holiday cheer to my neighborhood. I was literally in that spot for three minutes, yet you wasted no time in swooping out of nowhere to give me a $115 ticket. I really appreciated your big, brave act - it really made my Christmas holiday complete. Thanks a million.

Jerk.

Yours,
Mr. Trend

Some Sage Advice for the Tampa Rays and Their Fans from a Grizzled Veteran of Pain and Suffering

Dear Joe Maddon and the Tampa Bay Rays,

You're a great story. I mean, really great. I've never felt that Florida should have professional baseball - that's what spring training is for - and the Florida teams and fanbases have never done much to convince me otherwise. But seeing a Florida team that's built a good, young, team, and is succeeding and could keep it up for years, instead of holding a fire-sale and losing 104 games the year after winning it all (yes, I'm still bitter), well, that's just beautiful. It's just good to see that at least one of the two Florida teams is going about things the right way, and I wish you all the success this year. A lot of people, myself included, are genuinely pulling for you.

But please, be careful, and don't get cocky. Boston has been here before.

Best wishes,

Mr. Trend

Speechless and Joyous

Dear George Steinbrenner, the New York Yankees, the Yankees Organization, etc., et al:

Love, Mr. Trend.

An Open Letter to Page, Plant, and Jones

Dear Led Zeppelin:

In the "The Who/Led Zeppelin" debate, I've always been a "Who" man. I think Keith Moon was a better drummer than Bonham. I think Entwhistle matched John Paul Jones in skill level, and his bass lines were more interesting. The rhythm section as a whole was more interesting to me in the Who, simply because, by and large, they weren't providing rhythm - they were pretty much treating drums and bass like a guitar, trying to provide their own "melody". I've always liked Townsend's guitaring better, too, because he somehow could drive the rhythm and solo. I think the lot of the Who were infintely less pretentious than Zeppelin. Everytime somebody tries to say to me that Zeppelin is better and I counter I think the Who is better, they say, "look at all the bands that followed Zeppelin - the influence speaks for itself", and I reply, "But everybody can sound like Zeppelin - nobody has ever sounded like the Who, because nobody can ever match the Who in that sound. It's not that I don't like you guys, Zep - I think you're great. I just think the Who was greater.

However, I've always respected you over the Who in one way: when your drummer died, you knew to call it quits. You didn't go parading around without a central figure (and then without two - I don't care if you did write almost all the songs, Pete, you and Roger should tour as "Townsend and Daltrey" not as "The Who"). Thus, for going your separate ways when a central part of your band died, I always respected you.

Well, thanks for nothing.

Cheers,
Mr. Trend