Hey Glaciers!!! You Suck!!!

I just wanted to say how proud I am that my plan to defeat glaciers is working so well.

Glaciers are disappearing around the world at incredibly rapid rates. This can only be seen as an unadulterated good for humanity. That ice kept getting in the way of me climbing mountains. Plus, I've always had a dream for hitting golf balls off Mt. Kilimanjaro. Soon, my wish can be a reality.

Declining glaciers also help American interests abroad. Sure, we are losing our glaciers too. But who cares. God is on our side. He'll find water sources for us. But look at a place like Bolivia. Those idolatrous Catholics are losing their glaciers. Soon, they will be begging for our vengeful Protestant God to give them water. This all helps take out our greatest rival for economic and social control over South America. They may claim they are the poorest nation in South America. But it's just the hypnotic flutes they play. In fact, they are poised to attack the United States at any minute. In fact, I heard they have made a deal with Al-Qaeda to allow the terrorists access for a staging ground in exchange for a large enough supply of Evo Morales' sweaters to get through a Pakistani winter.

And look at China. The Yellow Menace is already undermining U.S. independence while drugging us with cheap, cheap consumer goods. But those Commies are about to lose all their water too with the melting of the Himalayan glaciers. Good. Now U.S. dominance can again prevail over darkest Asia.

Sure, all of this means some animals die. But who cares. Doesn't a Queen Latifah narrated movie about polar bears means the terrorists are already winning?