The Cats of War

This is excellent.

I'll Take Tobias in the Banana Stand with the Cornballer

An Arrested Development Clue game sounds pretty awesome to me.

Drunken Owls

This would never happen in a puritanical country like the United States....

German police said on Tuesday they had discovered a paralytic owl that appeared to have drunk too much Schnapps from two discarded bottles.

"A woman walking her dog alerted the police after seeing the bird sitting by the side of the road oblivious to passing traffic," Frank Otruba, spokesman for the police in the southwestern city of Pforzheim, told SPIEGEL ONLINE.

The Brown Owl didn't appear to be injured and officers quickly concluded that it had had one too many. One of its eyelids was drooping, adding to the general impression of inebriation.

"It wasn't staggering around and we didn't breathalyze it but there were two little bottles of Schapps in the immediate vicinity," said Otruba. "We took it to a local bird expert who has treated alcoholized birds before and she has been giving it lots of water."

The bird will be released once it has sobered up, police said.

Thanks Federal Judge

Halting Oklahoma's anti-Sharia law allows me to continue my lifelong goal of bringing Sharia to Oklahoma. Personally, I'd like to turn Lawton into the American Kandahar. And if the Taliban can blow up ancient Buddhas, surely bombing the giant praying hands at Oral Roberts University is a worthy goal!

LBJ

One of the many things to love about LBJ--just by quoting him, I can swear up a storm in my class.

Fight Song for the Ages

Just in time for football season, I have learned the Colorado School of Mines fight song from the 1930s.

"Now here we have the mining man
In either hand a gun
He's not afraid of anything,
He's never known to run;
He dearly loves his whisky,
He dearly loves his beer;
He's a shooting, fightin',
Dynamitin', mining engineer."

Not sure if they put that to music or not.

Traitor

Not that I really care, but is it completely wrong to root for Algeria over the U.S. today? I mean, doesn't the U.S. deserve to lose in the World Cup. We are the imperialist power in everything else, so sucking at what really matters to much of the world seems to be fitting. Plus today's matchup has a sort of Battle of Algiers feel to it. In other news, perhaps American kids doing lame dancing in discotheques should keep a watch out today.

Update--And I guess imperialism won the day. 

Annals of Pop Psychology

The Times links to this Psych Central piece that attempts to make connections between how we treat our pets and our spouses. The Times article asks key questions:

Greetings: Even on bad days, we greet our pets with a happy, animated hello, and usually a pat on the head or a hug. Do you greet your spouse that way?

Why in fact, the key to my relationship is patting my partner on top of the head when I come home. I then give her some partner treats and fill her food bowl.

Holding grudges: Even when our pets annoy us by wrecking the furniture or soiling the floor, we don’t stay mad at them.

Precisely. I find my relationship works because when my partner uses the couch as a bathroom, it doesn't bother me at all!

The Psych Central piece makes even more relevant points:

Acceptance
Few pet owners personalize their pets’ reactions to others to an extreme that makes them so embarrassed that they fear their image is tarnished or they become resentful of their pets. The fact that the dog is licking every part of the arriving guest’s body is cause to pull him away or laugh it away. The cat that will not come out of hiding or the parrot that is screeching is left without judgment or excuses. That’s them!

In fact, I am completely supportive when my partner dives under the bed when the garbage truck comes by.  Moreover, when she is cleaning herself with her tongue, I totally understand.

Connecticut's Roided Future

Linda McMahon, GOP candidate for the U.S. Senate and wife of WWE founder Vince freaking McMahon disputes that steroids lead to long-term health problems.

When I asked Linda McMahon about the issue, however, she said she shared her husband's doubts. "There's some evidence sometimes of muscle disease, or cardiac disease, but it's really hard to know because you didn't know the condition of the performer's heart, or whatever, prior to," she told me. "So I still don't think we know the long-term effects of steroids. They are continuing to study it more and more, but I don't believe there are a lot of studies out there today that are conclusive."

Q: If McMahon actually wins, will Connecticut go on a statewide roid rage and finally conquer Rhode Island?

Notes from a Minor League Baseball Game

Seeing your Round Rock Express play the Las Vegas 51s (those bastards!!!) last night, I was disappointed at the lack of major league washouts that you usually see in AAA games. When Yorman Bazardo is the biggest has-been you see, it's not much. Actually Las Vegas, which is Toronto's AAA team, has some pretty fair prospects, including Brett Wallace, who has the potential to be a power hitting corner infielder in the majors.

So given the lack of Timo Perez's and Rick Helling's to see, I was still impressed by 2 things (other than half-price beer night). Which do you think is better?

1. Seeing a guy in a Drew Bledsoe Cowboys jersey
2. Hearing the guy in front of me yell for another beer while he was drinking a Smirnoff Ice

I feel the answer is clearly #2.

Delicious Lenin

Best. Cake. Ever.

I always thought Lenin would be tasty. Could be too much formaldehyde in the cake though.

I Need an LCD for My Drink

This is very likely the dumbest thing I've seen in months. For a mere forty clams, you can get some crappy vodka that has a goddamn screen on it. You can program it to say whatever you want. Amuse your friends! Ask your sweetheart to marry you with the gift of booze. I might get a bottle and never touch it (swear), but program it to read when it is picked up, "This was a test. Your intention to drink from this bottle proves you're an asshole. Get out of my house."

This probably isn't the dumbest gimmick given to a vodka bottle, but it still nears the level of dumb that I call the "Steve Miller's Lyrics Level."

The Los Angeles Godzilla of Anaheim

Rob Neyer is correct--Torii Hunter giving Hideki Matsui the nickname "The Los Angeles Godzilla of Anaheim" is the best nickname ever.

Morning in Amerika

It sure does feel good to live in a Maoist state. Health care reform centered around plans that largely originated with Shining Path members like Mitt Romney has fulfilled my dreams of destroying freedom.

Speaking of that, I have to engage in a self-criticism session, so I might be gone for awhile.

Most Specific Business Name Ever

Seen in Ontario, California. That's a very specific price, though one has to question the wisdom of tying one's business name to a certain price point.

The Sexiest Presidents, or, James Madison Is Kind of Hot

Nerve magazine ranks the presidents according to their sexiness.

The top 5:
1. Theodore Roosevelt
2. John F. Kennedy
3. Barack Obama
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Franklin Pierce (which is kind of interesting I guess. It'll certainly be the only time Pierce is ranked in the top 5 of any presidential list). 

The bottom 5:

39. Grover Cleveland
40. Benjamin Harrison
41. Warren Harding (more on this in a second)
42. William Howard Taft
43. Richard Nixon (as if this wasn't totally self-evident)

Not to take this list too seriously, but the history is terrible. For one, Rutherford Hayes did not botch Reconstruction. OK, whatever.

But I do take umbrage at disparaging the sexiness of some of our presidents.

I can't believe I'm actually writing this.

Anyway, Warren Harding was a horrible president, but he was also a massive womanizer. Nerve claims, "He had a face like putty and a dour look only a banker could love. Also, his name was Warren. Unsexy"

The 1920 election marked the first time women could vote throughout the nation. And people openly wondered whether this hot young Warren Harding would win because of his sex appeal. They didn't use those words, but his attractiveness for the supposedly non-intellectual female voters made very serious commentators wonder whether American elections hadn't been permanently cheapened. 

Moreover, Nerve itself should know this, having placed Harding's affairs at #9 in the history of American political sex scandals:

Warren G. Harding (a.k.a. Warren G Unit) is the only president whose affairs led to the extortion of a major political party. To wit: his fifteen-year romance with Carrie Fulton Phillips, the wife of a friend, who the Republican National Committee reportedly paid on a monthly basis not to erupt, bimbo-style. Once in office, Harding allegedly took up with one Nan Britton, thirty years his junior. According to Britton, Harding introduced her to a small closet in the White House, where they exchanged kisses and made sweet presidential love. Britton claimed to have had an illegitimate child by Harding as well. In 1923, Harding died unexpectedly from ptomaine poisoning. Rumors ran rampant that his wife, Florence, had poisoned him.

Almost as egregious is slamming on James Madison, who comes in at #34 with a single sentence dismissal: 

Sure, he's the father of the Constitution, but he was only five-foot-four. 

 That's like saying, "Sure, Prince can play some mean licks, but he is only five-foot-one." 

No. James Madison totally overcame the short men can't be sexy hurdle. And he did it because he was a freaking genius. The guy could speak like 6 languages, was widely seen as one of the most intelligent men of an era of very intelligent men, and had strong leadership skills. Women don't like this? Also, Exhibit A is Dolley Madison, who was considered pretty hot in her day. 

Sure, Madison might be a tiny little dude, but he was also magnetic to those who knew him, both men and women. 

So I don't mind that we rank presidential sexiness, but let's get our facts straight. James Madison was the Prince of the late 18th century.

And I guess Warren Harding was basically a decent businessman type who sleeps with his secretaries--like a much dumber Don Draper.

Note: While Harding's election was not the American cultural apocalypse many predicted, this post might be.

Weirdness on the Internet

You never know what you'll run into.

Such as this group organizing to ban horse-drawn carriages.

Puke 'N Rally

This was Trend's idea for a band name if he ever was in a band.

Sadly for him, the other day I saw a poster for a show in Portland with a band of this name. I guess all the good band names truly are taken.

The Economic Crisis Hits Home

One might think the collapse of the academic job market is the most profound way the economic collapses has affected me. But no. Eric describes:

Over Thanksgiving, while visiting family out of town, I went looking for Angostura bitters. There were none at the local liquor store, so I settled for Peychaud’s, thinking nothing of it. Then, over Christmas, I went looking for Angostura bitters here. There were none in the shop, and upon inquiring I was informed that there are none to be found anywhere locally, because none had been manufactured for months. It seems the financial crisis took down the company behind the little bottles.

The proudly Trinidadian firm was supposed to have been rescued in October, and supplies were supposed to hit the Northeast back in the fall. But there are still none hereabouts and as of even date they are reportedly out in the UK.

Even if the works are up and running, it will take a while for bitters to return to shelves everywhere: “You can’t just turn on and off supply of bitters. It’s not like producing bottled water – it’s a very delicate, intricate process.”

What!?!?!?!?!?

As he titles his post, "Coolidge Would Have Sent in the Marines." Damn right he would have. And rightfully so. How long is a good American going to have to live with second-rate bitters?

And we know that we'd have full British support for a bitters-related military action.

The Barbour Conspiracy Revisited

A while back I talked about all the bad things happening to potential 2012 Republican presidential candidates. Jindal's State of the Union response. Sanford's affair. Palin's resignation and now her book. Crist embracing Obama. I wondered--who is behind this? Which Republican is engineering all rivals to implode?

Now, Mike Huckabee has his pardoned murderer killing cops. A key adviser has resigned. He'll never live this down with the Republican base.

Seems like everyone has a big black mark. I surmised before that the mastermind behind all this was Haley Barbour. Knowing he has no real chance at the nomination, he's conspiring to eliminate all challengers.

Watch out Romney--your hair is going to catch on fire some night!