Report from Thailand--Animal Conspiracy

There is clearly a conspiracy among Thailand's animal population to kill me before I get back. First, I see this muzzled dog. I think, he's kind of cute. I walk past about 15 steps and have totally forgotten it. I then feel this flying dog try to bite my ass. The fucking thing both stalked and attacked me. I really don't like dogs. They are high-maintenance, jump all over you, and lots of them are foul-tempered. A good dog is a good thing. But a bad dog is way worse than a bad cat. And that's even if they don't try to bite you in the ass.

Then the yesterday morning I am outside of this temple where all these macaques are hanging out. The alpha male, who I have an excellent picture of having sex with another monkey, is playing with a marble in a plastic bag. I try to walk past him to get to the temple and he bares his teeth and hisses at me. Given that I was about 6 inches away from him, this was slightly alarming. I swear those teeth were like 3 inches long. Huge! And scary. I was pretty happy to let him assert his alpha maleness. Last thing I need is to be killed by a fucking monkey.

Then, last night I go to the bathroom and the largest spider I've ever seen starts running around. I'm not exaggerating either--this was like the kinds you see in the zoo. Absolutely fucking huge. Luckily, it was as scared as I was, and I was pretty scared. Last night was the first time I slept with the light on in many years. Not good.

So if I don't come back to the US, you can just assume that I was eaten by a giant squid, crushed by a water buffalo, or was bit in my carotid artery by a cobra.

Fucking nature.