See Ya Plummer

Taking a deep breath while looking at the free agent and trade markets of the NFL, something smells different. It smells fresh and clean, like the game of football just took a bath, like a taint has finally been washed from the league. How can this be? Did I just read right? Jake “The Snake” Plummer retired? No wonder I no longer get sick off the fumes of football. Not only did Plummer leave Denver (an inevitable blessing), he couldn’t stomach the thought of watching himself play another game and retired outright.

I had a real bad attitude about Plummer when he came into the league. I can’t remember exactly why but, sometimes, it happens that way in my brains sometimes (currently, I have similarly hateful feelings toward Mark Teixeira of the Texas Rangers and Reggie Bush of the New Orleans Saints; I have my reasons for all of this, though few seem to feel like those reasons are valid). His sexual assault and battery charges in 1997, when the Boise, ID native groped, then kicked, a stripper at a club, helps to justify the hatred, but that’s really just an excuse. While this makes him much more hateable, I still would have hated him had it never happened. I didn’t like him at Arizona State, so it was fun to see him stumble around with the Cardinals and displaying just enough heroism to make people forget that he really wasn’t any good. I’ll admit it was bittersweet to watch him beat the Cowboys in the playoffs of 1998. I love to see the Cowboys lose, but I hate to see Plummer win. In the end, it was a wash, but it was also essentially Plummer’s single shining moment during his time in Arizona. The rest of his stint was spent sucking, although seemingly everyone would justify his sucking by calling it “untapped potential.” Well, he took all that untapped potential just about nowhere the rest of his time in Arizona and, finally in ‘02, the Cardinals organization would come to the realization that they could suck just as much with a quarterback twice as cheap moved on and “The Snake” tested the free agent market.

What happens next is, and always has been, inexplicable to me. I’m the first to admit that I’ve become drunk on the Mike Shanahan Kool-Aid on more than one occasion, but this was one move I could never set right in my head. Brian Griese is no John Elway, to be sure, and the Broncos only went 9-7 in 2002, but Coach Shanahan apparently had believed in the “potential” of Plummer and snatched him up. There are very few things that could happen in the world of football more disgusting to me, but it slapped me flush across the face. Those seven decals on the back of that jersey really did spell Plummer, and a four year period of torment began. It was interesting to have one of my most despised players fronting my favorite team, an “expect the worst; hope for the best” attitude overcame me and I watched as the Broncos spend four years succeeding at the beginning of the season and falling apart at the end. Indeed, Plummer led the Broncos to the playoffs three out of four years, but he also led them to three humiliating losses that were, in many ways, his fault (most notably, the 2005 AFC Championship game, in which the Steelers won after Plummer fumbled twice and threw two interceptions…bravo, my friend…bravo). I was elated in last year’s draft when the Broncos traded up to draft Jay Cutler; a light suddenly shone at the end of this tunnel. In the end, the replacement of Plummer happened sooner than I’d have liked, but I’ll take it where I can get it. Once Cutler was in the game, it was a matter of time before Plummer was carted off somewhere or put out to pasture. That day came on March 3, 2007, when the deal, meager as anything, that Plummer would be headed to the Buccaneers for an unspecified draft pick. Oh, happy day!!

Now, instead of competing for a starting job with Jeff Garcia, he has decided that football is not for him and will retire. Granted, the retirement will last only until a hard luck team offers him a big deal and a guaranteed start to come back but, for now, we can all bask in an NFL without Jake Plummer. It looks like he will be spending more time with his family and The Jake Plummer Foundation, his non-profit for sick and abused children, as well as those with Alzheimer’s. On the splash page of the site, he thanks all his fans for their support while he played. I wonder if he’s including the fans he flipped off after a particularly dreadful performance or the strippers he groped in that thanks. No need to worry about ol’ Snake, though, he’s “got many rivers to cross.” It’s all so touching. Goodbye Jake Plummer, and good riddance. I never have to spit another mouthful of bile about Jake Plummer…he’s gone, he’s finally gone.