NFL 2007 Week 14: NFC Edition

NFC EAST: The Cowboys spent 45 minutes getting their asses kicked all over the field and then spent fifteen cleaning up their mess. I wasn’t sure how this game was going to go before it happened. On the one hand, you have the Cowboys. God’s team, to be sure, but they were at Detroit so God couldn’t watch (because the tops of domes are clearly as lead is to Superman). On the other is John Kitna, who sits at the right hand of Jesus. Who could possibly lose? Looks like heaven wound up playing both sides for a couple of fools. In the end, the coin toss went to Dallas and he granted the dual miracles of a win and fifteen catches for Jason Witten. The Giants are bound and determined to be somebody’s whipping boy in the first round of the playoffs. No matter how badly they play, their opponents always do worse. As a result, the Eagles, who I still believe are the second most talented team in the division, now fall alone into last. While they won’t wind up with one of the very worst records, they’re going to have a high draft pick and should come back even better, although their dissatisfaction with McNabb may also ruin them. The Redskins may have won the battle against the Bears on Thursday, they lost the war with the season. Campbell was just starting to look competent before going down hard. They weren’t looking at the playoffs before, but they’re going to have to struggle with Todd Collins fronting them. As an added note, I found this strange blog, which seems to be somebody impersonating an extremely egomaniacal Todd Collins. Anyway, it’s more fun than watching the Redskins actually play. Plus, the guy, who may actually be Todd Collins (or TC, as he calls himself), has been posting this way for over a year.

NFC NORTH: Favre jumped right back on the cheese wagon for another great game. I can’t be to upset, since he destroyed the Raiders, but there’s only one way that a man that old gets up from injury the next week to play so well. That way is painkillers. It’s true, he’s off the Vics; my guess is a morphine drip on the sidelines. See that big smile after the game? That’s the smile of a junkie who just got a fix. Four straight wins have turned what started as a woeful season into a real shot at the playoffs for the Vikings. The two-headed monster of Peterson and Taylor really makes up for Tavarius Jackson’s failings, and even he’s been some skills the last few weeks. If they can keep playing like they did against the Niners, they could go deep into the postseason. I wonder if Kitna has considered other religions. It seems that Jesus was just jerking him around for a few weeks, because he hasn’t seen any miracles in a while. There are a lot of gods in the Hindu faith, maybe one of them is still without a favorite football team. The Bears let Todd Collins score 24 points against them. That’s one hell of a defense. Boy…scary….

NFC SOUTH: The Buccaneers were hoping to be like their NFC brothers and clinch their division, but were embarrassed by the Texans. Houston’s turned into a good team, with a record that doesn’t give them enough credit for their tough division, but if Tampa is really a division winner, they shouldn’t have had a problem. If the Saints come back to take the division after the start they had, the Bucs should just quit the league. Brees is doing well, and the running game should benefit from the lack of Reggie Bush. A hundred yard game from Aaron Stecker was surprising to say the least, but what must have been a shock to New Orleans fans was the fact that Stecker was running toward the endzone and not parallel to it. The Panthers got smashed by the Jaguars, who are the best team right now not leading a division (and a lot better than some that are) and ruined any chances at the postseason they might have had. Seriously, one would have to think that any other quarterback could be doing just as well as Testaverde. Thirteen completions for 84 yards is not professional play and, hopefully, they won’t rest their few wins on Vinnie’s shoulders; he had nothing to do with it. Just when it seemed that things couldn’t get worse for Atlanta, Bobby Petrino quits to coach at Arkansas, likely taking the majority of the coaching staff with him. This is my chance. I may not be able to be head coach, which has already been filled, but I could be offensive coordinator and run my patented 1935 style offense. Fullback runs all the way down.

NFC WEST: It’s easy to clinch when you lead the worst division in football. The Seahawks and their marginal play are helped week after week by all their competitors’ losses. Doubling up Arizona is the perfect way to clinch the division, but I predict they’ll be going down to the Vikings in the first round. In four weeks, they won’t have the rest of their division to rely on for sucking. Like many years, Arizona has seemed so strong at times but, when it counts, they seem to fear the playoffs. They were slaughtered in every way and, with their two elite receivers out, they are going to have a hard time making this deficit up. Though the Rams started out 0-8, they have managed to take the race for net points from the Niners. Alex Smith is officially out for the season, and we all know how good Dilfer is at putting points up, so the race should be officially lost for them.