Remaking Our Money After Latin America

From top to bottom--James Garfield, Ulysses S. Grant, Chester Alan Arthur, Benjamin Harrison, John Hay, James Blaine.


In most Latin American nations I have traveled through, on the money are obscure late 19th century politicians with fantastic Gilded Age facial hair, 90% of whom I don't even think the nation's population knows who they are. I think the U.S. should do this as well. Enough with the Washington and Franklin's of the world!

The $1 should have John Hay on it. The classic Republican insider, from Lincoln to Roosevelt, Hay always sported excellent facial hair. No one knows who he is today. He's important to historians of the time period, but no one else. Perfect!

A clearly excellent candidate for the $5 is James Blaine. Senator from Maine and Republican candidate for president in 1884 and the greatest political narcissist of his time, Blaine is my choice for this important bill. Also, the beard!

The $10 seems perfect for James Garfield? Why? Because you know nothing about him except that he was killed in office and that he has a great beard!

The $20 goes to Chester A. Arthur. I mean, when you signed the Pendleton Civil Service Act of 1883, shouldn't you get some kind of honor? I think not. But when you have lambchops of that quality, indeed it is appropriate!

The $50. Right now it's Ulysses S. Grant. Let's see--good general, disastrous president whose administration was rife with corruption--wait a minute, I think Grant WAS a late 19th century Latin American leader! We're sticking with US Grant!

And finally who gets the $100. We're still talkin' bout the Benjamin's, but this time it's Benjamin Harrison!